I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t posted anything in a while because I knew this needed to be my next post but I was somewhat dreading it. The reason I started this blog is to have a creative outlet but I also want to inspire people. I hope this post touches at least one person and lets them kn
ow they aren’t alone. Here goes nothing…
My whole life I have always felt different. I never wanted to play outside when I was younger. I always had my head stuck in a book….usually a book that was not age appropriate because I thought I was a grown up. As I got older my relationship with my family became rocky. I haven’t spoken to my dad in many years and I have struggled with all the other members of my family. I got divorced this year and something in me snapped. I realized that I had been living a lie my whole life. I tried to portray this image of someone that had it together all the time, someone that was happy. Inside I was dying. To the outside world I seemed fine. People didn’t know that I struggled with so many terrible thoughts and emotions. They didn’t know that I hated the woman I saw in the mirror or that I would walk into a room and feel like everyone was judging me. I would come home every day and cry for hours. I had been doing that for years really and no one knew. I pushed nearly everyone out of my life for fear of being found out. I even pushed away my husband. For years I lashed out at him because I had so many issues I had never dealt with. I wasn’t prepared to deal with the fact that I had terrible anxiety and I couldn’t fight it on my own.
In September I went to the doctor after sharing some of my problems with friends, including my ex-husband. Yes, we are still friends. People judge me for that a lot. What they don’t understand is he is one of the only people in my life that has supported me through my journey. He had to deal with a lot from me and my family. He never once judged any of us or turned his back on me. Our relationship ended because we both failed at being good spouses to each other. We realize that. Apologies have been made and we have decided to be adults and remain friends. After all, once upon a time we fell in love for a reason. We just changed over time and lost our way. It doesn’t change how I feel about him though.
Ok, sorry for the long side note…I get easily distracted. I told my doctor in September that I needed help with anxiety. After years of trying to fix myself I was on the verge of giving it all up and running away to start a new life where no one knew who I was. She prescribed me medication. Yes…medication. I know for a lot of people that carries a stigma. It did for me. I was scared I would change too much or I would feel hollow. But the exact opposite happened. I felt free from all of the emotional burden I had been carrying around. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling sad and lonely. I stopped analyzing every conversation I had with other people and fearing their judgement. I have NEVER felt so good in my life. I have many things I still want to accomplish and a lot of relationships I have to continue to work on but I am making progress. That makes me happy. I almost feel like I am getting a second chance at life. I am also very lucky that I have several people in my life that have been so supportive, including people I work with. I honestly work for some of the best people I know. They have been there for me when I thought no one else was and have accepted me and guided me. I am so thankful for that. It is so important to have people in your corner that want to see you succeed no matter what. We all need that.
I wish I had done this years ago. I regret that. I wonder a lot what if I had? How different would life be if I had stopped being scared and pushing people away? Would I still be married? Would I have stayed in college the first time around? Would I have lots of friends? I can’t change the past though. I can only go forward and learn to take control of the present. I live day by day. I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am by no means perfect but I know now that is totally okay. So yes, I am not okay but I am learning to embrace that. I hope I can touch just one human being’s heart with this story. I want you to know you are NOT alone. Don’t be ashamed. Take back control of your life. Trust me….you won’t ever regret that decision.